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We all need to laugh…Here’s some good old-fashioned humor for you to enjoy. If you know of any good, clean jokes you can share, send them to us via email
Actual clipping from church bulletins:
The Steeple
The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it. When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.
Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, " REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE!"
THE HIKE
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish -- make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this food I am about to receive."
FUN FACT: Did You Know?
Life expectancy for weekly churchgoers is 82; for those who attend more than once a week, it's 83. Non-churchgoers live an average of 75 years. - USA Today
TESTING GOD – NOT A GOOD IDEA
A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: " A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God said, "In a minute."
THE FLOOD
Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising. Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them.
"No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide."
The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up.
"Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide."
Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide."
So the boat left, the water rose, and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried.
"For cryin' out loud, lady," God said. "I sent three boats."
Real Signs seen at churches:
· "How will you spend eternity?
Smoking or Non-smoking?"
· "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives."
· "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
· ""If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
Actual clipping from church bulletins:
* Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
* Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
* Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
* "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
* Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
* The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
* Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
* Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
* Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
* The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin
* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy
THE CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the poor creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Thoughts...
"Give Satan an inch and he will become a ruler."
From sign seen outside a church in East Brady, PA
Bill Gates Dies
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.
God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."
Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine" said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says: "That was the screen saver."
Adams Rib
In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Pearly Gate
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
St. Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.
He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years."
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Children And The Bible
The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)
· In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
· Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
· Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.
· The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
· Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
· Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
· Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
· The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
· Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.
· The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
· The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".
· Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
· Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
· The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
· David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
· Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
· When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
· Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.
· Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.
· St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
· Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.
· He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".
· It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
· The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.
· The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
· One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
· St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Shark
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.
As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
Monastery Of Silence
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott.
“You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
The Pope Visits New York
The Pope goes to New York.
He is picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."
So the Pope takes the wheel and within minutes accidentally runs a red light. A policeman notices and pulls him over.
The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute.
He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.
Chief: Important like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him!
WHALES
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though they were a very
large mammals their throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him.
A young child Perspective"
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was "acting up"
during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of
order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the
little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before
reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the
congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
And one particular fou! r-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as
we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." A little boy was overheard
praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time like I am."
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to
church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright
little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping,"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at
the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he
picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy
called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With
astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he
moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before
jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt
us?"
Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big
sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the
church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are
we alike?" "You're both old," he replied!
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by
asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King
James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off thy neighbor's wife."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us
not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
five-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory
be unto the Faaaather....and unto the Sonnn . ......and into the hole he
gooooes."